Abstract
What is a wife, who should be one, and what does that role involve? Many don’t realize the struggles women have transitioning into the person of a wife from singlehood, until they are one and needing help. God knew the transition would be hard and elected many Bible authors to write on the subject of how to be a good wife. Titus wrote, “then they [older women] can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God” (NIV, Titus 2:4-5). It’s easy to get carried away with the wedding, name changing, and dreaming of the future; but when all is said and done what is left is a woman in her new role as wife, struggling to find her purpose and fulfill it. Here is some research on that life transition including the definition of a wife, the common struggles she will face, and wisdom she can rely on.
Life Transition: Becoming a Wife
One of the biggest, most life changing transitions for a woman is to become a wife. Interesting enough most women spend more time, energy, and money preparing for their wedding day then they do preparing for their life-long marriage. A fact known to many is that a wedding will be expensive and time consuming to plan. On average, couples spend one year in planning and an average of $25,748 according to The Cost of Weddings Today (2004). There was no published research found on the average amount of money or time a couple spends preparing for their marriage, but it can be assumed it’s less than that spent on the wedding day. The transition from man to husband and woman to wife is big with many obstacles, rules, and hardships. It is important for women to understand her new role and expectations, common struggles she will face, and to glean wisdom to make the transition well.
Role of a Wife
The first woman created was only single for the amount of time it took God to pounce her wife to the first man. We read the account in Genesis where God took a rib from Adam and with it formed a woman and in that moment they were united as the first husband and wife (2:22, NIV). Eve only knew her role as a wife and never as a single woman. The perfect woman for Adam was Eve and vice versa. What can be understood from their story is that a wife is designed for her husband as she is forever with that man. Once a woman becomes a wife she is given a God designed role and the purpose to fulfill it; knowing her role is the only way to accomplish it successfully.
A wife’s legal definition is inarguably a woman who is married to a man, or as the female partner in marriage, according to Webster’s Dictionary. Her job description as a wife is more often debated between worldviews. Written in the journal of American Sociological Review is an article on the family and cultural change during the 19th century and describes the new expectations placed on married woman. It states how women’s role altered from home care and child bearer to being pressured to significantly contribute to the family income (Stern, 1939, p.199-208). Since both of those jobs are full-time positions something had to take the back seat; and the second income and propriety were found too important to give up. In the 21th century it’s widely accepted for women to be CEOs, managers, career focused, and have little time for a husband and family. Those who have valued careers over being a wife and mother to their family have gone against their God given purpose. In Proverbs 31, Titus 2, and 1 Timothy 5 the wife is asked to be busy in the home caring and providing for her husband and children. Women working outside the home is not the issue; but the priority line-up is where women have gone wrong. Putting a career before her husband and children is praised in the sights of the world but grieves the heart of God as money and status become of higher value then love and servitude (1 Tim. 6:6-10).When a job takes precedence, the women goes against God’s design for her role and the consequences include children being poorly raised and a high divorce rate. According to the European Sociological Review,women working full-time outside the home have a 29% higher risk of divorce (Dronkers, J., Kalmijn, M., & Wagner, M., 2006). When there is no risk of neglect to family, there is no reason why a woman can't pursue higher education and a career.
According to the Biblical worldview a wife is to be submissive, putting her husband’s desires above her own (Col. 3:18). The husband will be judged by the choices the couple makes as one. When the wife makes choices apart from him he will be held responsible by God for the consequences. This is exemplified in the Garden of Eden when Eve sinned and Adam was held responsible (Gen. 3). As part of Eve’s punishment after the fall included her desire to be for her husband; one commentary translates this as her desire would be to rule over her husband (Grudem, W. A., (1994), p. 454-471). This is why submission is so difficult and women long to be in charge and manipulate their spouses. Along with submission, a wife is called to respect her husband (Eph. 5: 33). This command is made without clause and doesn't exclude wives who are married to men unworthy, in their opinion, of respect. Lastly, a married woman is called to be her husband’s helper. Woman was created after man to be his helper or counterpart as Kay Arthur said in one of her lectures. She also said that a wife is to be the completer of man not someone in competition with him. This is a high calling for a woman to complete God's design of man for without her, God said it is not good (Arthur, 2011).
A wife’s legal definition is inarguably a woman who is married to a man, or as the female partner in marriage, according to Webster’s Dictionary. Her job description as a wife is more often debated between worldviews. Written in the journal of American Sociological Review is an article on the family and cultural change during the 19th century and describes the new expectations placed on married woman. It states how women’s role altered from home care and child bearer to being pressured to significantly contribute to the family income (Stern, 1939, p.199-208). Since both of those jobs are full-time positions something had to take the back seat; and the second income and propriety were found too important to give up. In the 21th century it’s widely accepted for women to be CEOs, managers, career focused, and have little time for a husband and family. Those who have valued careers over being a wife and mother to their family have gone against their God given purpose. In Proverbs 31, Titus 2, and 1 Timothy 5 the wife is asked to be busy in the home caring and providing for her husband and children. Women working outside the home is not the issue; but the priority line-up is where women have gone wrong. Putting a career before her husband and children is praised in the sights of the world but grieves the heart of God as money and status become of higher value then love and servitude (1 Tim. 6:6-10).When a job takes precedence, the women goes against God’s design for her role and the consequences include children being poorly raised and a high divorce rate. According to the European Sociological Review,women working full-time outside the home have a 29% higher risk of divorce (Dronkers, J., Kalmijn, M., & Wagner, M., 2006). When there is no risk of neglect to family, there is no reason why a woman can't pursue higher education and a career.
According to the Biblical worldview a wife is to be submissive, putting her husband’s desires above her own (Col. 3:18). The husband will be judged by the choices the couple makes as one. When the wife makes choices apart from him he will be held responsible by God for the consequences. This is exemplified in the Garden of Eden when Eve sinned and Adam was held responsible (Gen. 3). As part of Eve’s punishment after the fall included her desire to be for her husband; one commentary translates this as her desire would be to rule over her husband (Grudem, W. A., (1994), p. 454-471). This is why submission is so difficult and women long to be in charge and manipulate their spouses. Along with submission, a wife is called to respect her husband (Eph. 5: 33). This command is made without clause and doesn't exclude wives who are married to men unworthy, in their opinion, of respect. Lastly, a married woman is called to be her husband’s helper. Woman was created after man to be his helper or counterpart as Kay Arthur said in one of her lectures. She also said that a wife is to be the completer of man not someone in competition with him. This is a high calling for a woman to complete God's design of man for without her, God said it is not good (Arthur, 2011).
Struggles in Marriage
Marriage is not easy. According to American Law and Economics Review, the highest rates of divorces are among women between ages 20-25, within the first 7 years of marriage, and two thirds of all who file being women (Brinig, M. F., & Allen, D. W., 2000). It is widely accepted that marriage takes work, but why? Shouldn’t what God called “good” be natural and harmonious? The answer is in Genesis after the fall. Not only was the relationship between God and man broken but also between man and woman (Gen. 3:12). Since then, the marriage covenant has been under attack exemplified by the 41% of all first marriages ending in divorce with a 20% increase for second and 30% for third marriages (DivorceRateStatistics.org).
Myths believed by couples are one of many culprits responsible for the struggles in the first years of marriage. Les and Leslie Parrott in their lecture, Preparing for Marriage, say a common myth is that women often believe their spouse will complete them as a person, making them whole for the first time. Men tend to think marriage will fix what was going wrong in relationships and that their problems will disappear after the vows are said. The Parrotts name these myths as unrealistic expectations testifying from their years as marriage counseling that humans cannot complete each other outside of God’s design and marriage isn't meant to solve problems (Parrott, L., & Parrott, L., n.d.). Another big issue the Parrotts talk about in their lecture is bridging the gender gap. Wives must understand that men talk with purpose to each other, preferring to share only necessary information and solve pressing problems as they come. Women differ in that they prefer to connect emotionally, and focus on improving relationships preemptively by spending long hours in communication. Women want to be desired, and men want to be admired. Often men will seek to connect with his wife though an activity, known as shoulder to shoulder; while women seek to connect to her husband face to face (Parrott & Parrott, n.d.). These simple differences can either be fought against and continually misunderstood or seen as variances and appreciated to comprehend each other.
A young bride has the challenge of relating to a man, problem solving with him, and sharing dreams for their future. A wife is responsible to cultivate a friendship with her husband as seen in Titus 2 when the Hebrew word Philo is used for love. Her goal is to connect with her husband spiritually, emotionally, and physically to maintain that relationship. Physically a wife is told to give her body to her husband, fulfilling her marriage duty stated in 1 Corinthians. Paul explains saying, “the wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband…Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time,…Then come together so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Cor. 7:3-5). Paul is boldly stating that it’s for their protection that the wife is intimate with her husband often. Today our culture is sexually saturated and every man is over-loaded with sexual stimuli when he leaves the house. A married woman can help with this temptation by initiating sex the way God exemplified for her to do so in Song of Solomon. In Real Marriage, Mark and Grace Driscoll walk through Song of Solomon and point out the sexual pattern seen there. Throughout the chapters, Solomon admires his wife and the wife initiates sex (Driscoll, M., & Driscoll, G., 2012, p. 170-176). A successful sexual pattern is seen when admiring is done by the husband and initiating by the wife. That goes to say that if there is a problem with the physically element of marriage both husband and wife need to take specific personal effort in finding the solution and protect their marriage.
Myths believed by couples are one of many culprits responsible for the struggles in the first years of marriage. Les and Leslie Parrott in their lecture, Preparing for Marriage, say a common myth is that women often believe their spouse will complete them as a person, making them whole for the first time. Men tend to think marriage will fix what was going wrong in relationships and that their problems will disappear after the vows are said. The Parrotts name these myths as unrealistic expectations testifying from their years as marriage counseling that humans cannot complete each other outside of God’s design and marriage isn't meant to solve problems (Parrott, L., & Parrott, L., n.d.). Another big issue the Parrotts talk about in their lecture is bridging the gender gap. Wives must understand that men talk with purpose to each other, preferring to share only necessary information and solve pressing problems as they come. Women differ in that they prefer to connect emotionally, and focus on improving relationships preemptively by spending long hours in communication. Women want to be desired, and men want to be admired. Often men will seek to connect with his wife though an activity, known as shoulder to shoulder; while women seek to connect to her husband face to face (Parrott & Parrott, n.d.). These simple differences can either be fought against and continually misunderstood or seen as variances and appreciated to comprehend each other.
A young bride has the challenge of relating to a man, problem solving with him, and sharing dreams for their future. A wife is responsible to cultivate a friendship with her husband as seen in Titus 2 when the Hebrew word Philo is used for love. Her goal is to connect with her husband spiritually, emotionally, and physically to maintain that relationship. Physically a wife is told to give her body to her husband, fulfilling her marriage duty stated in 1 Corinthians. Paul explains saying, “the wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband…Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time,…Then come together so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Cor. 7:3-5). Paul is boldly stating that it’s for their protection that the wife is intimate with her husband often. Today our culture is sexually saturated and every man is over-loaded with sexual stimuli when he leaves the house. A married woman can help with this temptation by initiating sex the way God exemplified for her to do so in Song of Solomon. In Real Marriage, Mark and Grace Driscoll walk through Song of Solomon and point out the sexual pattern seen there. Throughout the chapters, Solomon admires his wife and the wife initiates sex (Driscoll, M., & Driscoll, G., 2012, p. 170-176). A successful sexual pattern is seen when admiring is done by the husband and initiating by the wife. That goes to say that if there is a problem with the physically element of marriage both husband and wife need to take specific personal effort in finding the solution and protect their marriage.
Wisdom of a Wife
In the Gift of Sex by Cliff and Joyce Penner they explain how sexual issues can cause major problems in a marriage in regards to: connection, intimacy, confidence, trust, and respect. They give great detail on how to overcome these struggles but boldly explaining that if sex is not good for one it’s not good for either (Penner, C., & Penner, J., 2003). Their advice to couples is to seek help and don’t stop looking until the problem is fixed. Sex may seem like an insignificant problem to a newly married woman but a weak sex life in a marriage can give Satan the foothold he needs to destroy a new and vulnerable relationship (1 Cor. 7:5).
Mark and Grace Driscoll end their book Real Marriage, with a thought provoking chapter titled, “The most important day of your marriage is the last day”. On that last day you will look at your marriage either filled with regrets or rejoicing over the many years of life lived together (Driscoll & Driscoll, 2012, p. 207). Will the marriage represent something beautiful or the constant struggle of selfish wants not being satisfied? This power couple makes a strong point that the only way to have a marriage without regrets is to plan for it from the beginning. “Marriage starts with passion and over the years accrue principles, but apart from a plan, the passion and principles are powerless” (Driscoll & Driscoll, 2012, p. 207). This plan should include dreams and hopes for the future giving the couple something to always look forward to. If there are problems or regrets already seen in the marriage these needs to be talked about and dealt with so they do not continue making a pattern (Driscoll, 2012). There are many couples who get to celebrate their 20, 30, even 50 year wedding anniversary and the advice most often shared is to never give up. Marriage is hard but as Jesus said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 9:10). Where humans fail Jesus prevails.
Mark and Grace Driscoll end their book Real Marriage, with a thought provoking chapter titled, “The most important day of your marriage is the last day”. On that last day you will look at your marriage either filled with regrets or rejoicing over the many years of life lived together (Driscoll & Driscoll, 2012, p. 207). Will the marriage represent something beautiful or the constant struggle of selfish wants not being satisfied? This power couple makes a strong point that the only way to have a marriage without regrets is to plan for it from the beginning. “Marriage starts with passion and over the years accrue principles, but apart from a plan, the passion and principles are powerless” (Driscoll & Driscoll, 2012, p. 207). This plan should include dreams and hopes for the future giving the couple something to always look forward to. If there are problems or regrets already seen in the marriage these needs to be talked about and dealt with so they do not continue making a pattern (Driscoll, 2012). There are many couples who get to celebrate their 20, 30, even 50 year wedding anniversary and the advice most often shared is to never give up. Marriage is hard but as Jesus said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 9:10). Where humans fail Jesus prevails.
Conclusion
Marriage to me was the next chapter that I couldn’t wait to start but I was blindsided by the immense amount of responsibilities and hardships that came with it. No longer was I making choices that just affected me; instead I became responsible to submit to another human just as sinful as I was. From the type of food I cooked, clothing I bought, friends I made, or the way I talked; everything I did from then on reflected my husband. Meeting a guy friend for a mid-day coffee was no longer acceptable nor was confiding in my mom when I fought with my husband. My whole way of living needed to change so that I was respectful to my husband in words, actions, and deeds. It seems to me that women are taking this next chapter lightly instead of putting to prayer and serious thought the changes that will occur in order to be successful in this new role. To be a wife is to complete the design of man and to complement him in all things (Proverbs 31). It is a blessing above all blessings to become a wife but it is hard for a sinner to fulfill that role without the grace of God and an understanding of what it means to be a wife.
References
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Dronkers, J., Kalmijn, M., & Wagner, M. (2006). Causes and consequences of divorce.
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Parrott, L., & Parrott, L., (n.d). Preparing for marriage. American Association of Christian
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Penner, C., & Penner, J. (2003). The gift of sex: A guide to sexual fulfillment (Revised and
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Stern, B. J. (1939). The family and cultural change. American Sociological Review, 4(2), 199-
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